Happy Thursday ! 😊

Outdated Survival Patterns

Outdated & repeated patterns don’t produce new outcomes and healing experiences.

There is a term called repetition compulsion where we are drawn to or put ourselves in similar hurtful situations from our past in an attempt to have a corrective experience. This rarely ever produces the desired results for growth, a corrective experience or healing.

What patterns have you learned or developed from engaging with wounded, abusive or toxic people?

We all learn lessons from previous relationships…especially the relationships with our primary care givers. Sometimes these lessons were healthy and other times they were a necessity survival skill. We may have learned to expect and accept dishonesty, disappointment or betrayal, and now that becomes our current way of thinking. We learn to expect this to reoccur and continue to be hyper-vigilant. We feel anxious, insecure and seek out constant assurance. Even if the person has never betrayed you, you show up and respond as though it has happened.

You may have learned that your needs are not okay or even too much. You now carry shame about having needs, so they often go unexpressed and unmet. These unmet needs can trigger depression, immense grief, unworthiness, resentment or anger.

Maybe you tried to express emotions and were shut down, or were made to feel stupid “for feeling that way”.

So now you hold our emotions in and never let others see your true feelings. You have a deep fear of vulnerability. So you pull away or shut down. You deny or dissociate from what you feel.

You may have learned that people cannot be trusted because they will betray you. So now you live not really trusting anyone or letting them get too close. You choose not to be vulnerable. The opposite response is you may normalize or ignore trust violations. You continue to allow and accept dishonesty, disrespect and disloyalty.

Maybe you didn’t receive attention, affection, authentic connection, kindness, consideration, compassion or real partnership.

So you kept giving of your yourself until you are depleted. You developed the belief that if I just keep giving love, it will ultimately change a person and I will get what I am missing. You might create a fantasy about the person instead of accepting reality. You stay too long in relationships that are not meeting your basic needs. You continue to accept far less than you want or deserve.

Maybe you received criticism, neglect or the person always put themselves, work or others before you. You learned you are unworthy, or not a priority. So you feel less than, unimportant or devalued. Now you struggle find it difficult to receive, push away something healthy or good. Your unworthiness guides your reactions and decisions. You may find you attract relationships where you are always having to repeatedly beg for time, attention, affection, emotional support, commitment, consideration or respect.

Maybe people didn’t show up when you needed them or left you stranded and alone. Now you struggle with fears of abandonment. You assume people will disappear, disappoint you or vanish.

You have a deep fear of being alone so you either cling tightly to people or sabotage relationships. You might choose people who can’t or want show up in times of great need.

If you have experienced any of these issues in a relationships and you haven’t worked on it, you will more than likely project this onto a current one.

You will have to decide if you are in a “repeated reality” or if you are choosing to repeat your history due to precisely learned patterns. Are you employing outdated lessons, survival skills and responses that are no longer relevant?

It will be important to figure this out for you to make a conscious decision if this relationship is right for you. It will require some personal work on your part to identify and unpack the old patterns and experiences that are deeply ingrained.

In order to have a healthier current relationship you will need a new way of perceiving, thinking, receiving, communicating and responding.

You absolutely deserve to be free of your past patterns and the injury that comes from unhealthy relationships dynamics. You will be called to learn a deep acceptance and love for yourself and your wounded parts need compassion and care. You will have to do the opposite of what you have done in the past to create new experiences and write a new narrative.

You will be called to learn new lessons, create new ways of seeing, responding, and receiving and being.

I hope you can untangle past patterns, heal from the past hurtful interactions, and form more authentic and healthy relationships. Learning to live with a present-day mindset will be an important, however challenging endeavor.

May you learn to choose relationships that bring healing and restoration, not the a painful repetition of your past wounding.

Be done! 😊

Do the




Do the opposite of what you have always done and get new results!

You are capable and so worthy!

Kelli Leader Cook

Hopeful Insights Consulting